What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
