So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Drunk is not a location!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
