That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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