I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
