I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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