i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
