I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
