Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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