i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
