Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
