My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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