Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
