do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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