i just snorted my name. best moment ever
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
