"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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