So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
