life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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