If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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