I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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