as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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