Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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