tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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