We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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