So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
