OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
