I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
