theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
