I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
