The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
