if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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