I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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