I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
