dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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