I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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