So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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