Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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