Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
