There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
