I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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