hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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