You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
