I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
