you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
