I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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