he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
