did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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