my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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