All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
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