im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
