my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
