it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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