3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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