babies were throwing up all over the place
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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