i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
