Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
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I love how my cats smell like pot.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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