I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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