Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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