So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
