If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
