if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
