i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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